


Start again

by carxies



Series: Almost like fate [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Suicide Attempt, apparently, i'm sorry about that but don't worry, like 5 percent fluff and 95 percent ripping out your hearts, suga doesn't die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-30 09:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 16,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6418183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carxies/pseuds/carxies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He lets go of the handrail, his hands freezing cold, and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, two strong arms are wrapped around him, squeezing his own to his sides, and pushing him against the handrail and something soft behind it.</p><p>"Don't jump," a husky, disembodied voice whispers behind him into his hair, "Please don't jump."</p><p>Suga looks at the arms crossed on his chest in shock, tears building in his eyes, maybe thanks to the wind, but most likely because of the warm embrace. He lets out a shaky breath and lays his hands over the ones on his chest. The stranger doesn't wait and intertwines his fingers with Suga's cold ones.</p><p>"There are so many things waiting for you."</p><p>Or, Daichi saves Suga's life and then it all goes</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything you haven't found yet

The air hitting his cheeks is harsh; however the river under the bridge flows calmly. The city is asleep, the water is the only thing filling up the silence of the streets.

 

He remembers coming here as a child with his mother. She always told him that if he ever feels sad, he should tell it to the river and it would take all the bad feelings with it, all the way to the ocean. He's always believed it.

 

He came here after his first heartbreak because of a break up, after his beloved guinea-pig died, after his best friend moved to other city. And he told the river all his secrets and desperate wishes.

 

But he’s never been this numb. Maybe he's just lost himself in all of the pain that built up over the years.

 

He lets go of the handrail, his hands freezing cold, and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, two strong arms are wrapped around him, squeezing his own to his sides, and pushing him against the handrail and something soft behind it.

 

 

"Don't jump," a husky, disembodied voice whispers behind him into his hair, "Please don't jump."

 

Suga looks at the arms crossed on his chest in shock, tears building in his eyes, maybe thanks to the wind, but most likely because of the warm embrace.

 

"Whatever it is that brought you here, it will get better eventually."

 

He lets out a shaky breath and lays his hands over the ones on his chest. The stranger doesn't wait and intertwines his fingers with Suga's cold ones. It's an unfamiliar feeling, but not unpleasant at all.

 

"There are so many things waiting for you," the stranger continues quietly once Suga's tears hit their hands, "There are always things to live for, even if they're small. Please, don't give up _just yet_."

 

Suga sobs out loudly, closing his eyes once his sight becomes blurry. His heart starts beating faster than before, reminding him it's still functional and that he's still alive. He doesn't know what for, but he is.

 

"You are enough."

 

He pushes the arms off his chest, making the stranger yelp, but once Suga turns to face him, he hugs him again so fast that Suga has no time to see his face. He lets him cry into his sweatshirt while his hands rub gentle circles on Suga's back.

 

"You don't have to end it to start again."

 

The words ring in his ears and he wants to believe them, he really does, but the world has brought him down so many times already.

 

"Please don't jump."

 

Something in Suga breaks, nodding against the chest of a complete stranger and lets him help him climb back to the pavement.

 

Just then he finally takes a closer look on his saviour under the streetlamp. It's a young man in his early twenties, with short brown hair. When he smiles at Suga, it's a kind smile, and a barely noticeable dimple appears on his left cheek. He offers Suga a tissue, waiting till he finishes blowing his nose, before he reaches out towards him.

 

"Want to go sit somewhere where's it's warm ?"

 

Suga nods, putting the nasty tissue in his back pocket, and wipes his eyes. The stranger grabs his hand, holding it gently as he leads Suga down the street. He doesn't say anything, only occasionally glances at him as to make sure he's still there, even though Suga doesn't let go of his hand.

 

They walk inside a small pub, full of smoke, but quiet. The stranger picks a table in the corner beside a window, realising his grip of Suga's hand as he sits down. Suga takes the seat in front of him, observing his face.

 

"Want something to eat ?"

 

Suga shakes head and the other man gets up, walking away and comes back with two beers.

 

"Thank you."

"No need to," the stranger smiles and sips his drink, "I hope you like beer."

"I do. Can I ask you something ?"

"Shoot."

"Why did you save me ?" Suga mumbles, hoping he won't have to repeat himself.

 

The stranger looks him straight in the eye, "Because it would be a big waste if Japan lost someone as beautiful as you. Fuck Japan, the whole world. And I meant every word I said, you know. I'm sure some great things wait for you, even if they don't happen today or tomorrow. I don't know what this fucked up world put you through, but they are some things worth living for."

 

Suga watches him, letting himself get lost in his words.

 

"You will find everything you haven't found yet. I believe you will, sooner or later. I don't know you, but I'm glad you're here, very glad. Can I ask a question in exchange ?"

"Yes."

"Why you wanted to do it ?"

 

Suga tries to remember, but in that exact moment, he's under the spell of the stranger, and no specific reason comes to his mind. Everything suddenly seems irrelevant under his soft gaze. In that exact moment, he knows he's sold.

 

The stranger doesn't force the answer out of him, instead they drink their beers and then order another, talking about stupid TV shows and the weather last week.

 

He walks Suga home and gives him his phone number in between the door.

 

"Call me whenever you feel down again, yeah ?"

 

Suga agrees and when he lies in his bed, staring at the ceiling, he realises that he doesn't have a name of the stranger, who is kind to people he doesn't know and makes dad jokes like he's over thirty already.

 

He decides that he wants to live long enough to get to know him.


	2. Can be saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time he calls the stranger who saved his life is almost a week after it happened. He's forgotten to take his sleeping pill again and his hands shake as he dials the number, pressing the cold phone against his ear and listens to it ring. Once, twice, thrice. Then five more times before he hangs up, glaring at the display. It's only five in the morning. He won’t pick up. He’s still just a stranger. He doesn’t care.

The first time he calls the stranger who saved his life is almost a week after it happened. He's forgotten to take his sleeping pill again and his hands shake as he dials the number, pressing the cold phone against his ear and listens to it ring. Once, twice, thrice. Then five more times before he hangs up, glaring at the display. It's only five in the morning. He won’t pick up. He’s still just a stranger. He doesn’t care.

 

He puts the phone on the night stand, shutting his eyes. He can't sleep. He could still take the pill now, probably.

 

He would give anything just to be able to sleep and never wake up again. Just what he would give to shut the whole world off and never have to deal with it anymore.

 

The loud melody fills the room, and Suga sits up quickly, answering the call, "Yes ?"

 

"Hey, what's wrong ? Why did you call ?" a hoarse voice comes from the other side.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. Are you okay ?"

 

Suga looks around the room, as if it could give him an answer.

 

"No. I'm sorry, I didn't have anyone to talk to," he admits, nibbling on his bottom lip.

"Then we will talk," the stranger yawns, "What is troubling your mind ?"

"I .. I can't sleep. I guess it's too late to go to sleep now anyway," Suga chuckles nervously.

 

"That might be true. You know what, turn the TV on. Channel 2. There are always cartoons there and we can watch them together."

 

Suga gets up and drags himself to the living room, setting on the sofa and curling up, pulling a warm cover over himself. "Alright."

 

As he turns the TV on, he laughs immediately. "That guy looks like you."

A loud gasps comes from the other side, "How could you ? I would never wear that."

 

Suga giggles, getting a bit more comfortable on the old sofa, "But the hair ? Totally you."

"But the jeans," the other man hisses.

 

The cartoon ends and another one starts, one with animals this time, and the man on the phone is quicker than Suga this time. "You are the lizard," he laughs.

"Excuse me ? I'm clearly the horse. You're the lizard."

"I am not. If anything, I'm the cat."

 

 

They spend over two hours watching many stupid cartoons, laughing and comparing each other to the characters. It's surprisingly relaxing. He's still alone in the cold flat, but not lonely. The giggles and bad jokes lift the weight from his heart, making him forget everything that's wrong, with him, and with the world.

 

As Suga's eyelids get heavier, he closes them, barely listening to the TV and only focuses on the voice coming from the phone.

 

"I realised .. What is your name ?"

"Call me Suga," he mumbles and yawns, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm Daichi. Pleasure to meet you."

 

Suga smiles and falls asleep to the sound of Daichi's laugh. His sleep is more peaceful than ever and he wakes up long past lunch time, with phone imprinted on his cheek and turned on TV. He saves the last called number, under a name 'Daichi'.

 

Suga usually wakes up numb, and stays like that for the rest of the day, even in work. He fakes smiles towards his clients as he speaks about each painting like it was a masterpiece, ensuring them that he would buy it himself if he had the money to do so. But he wouldn't.

 

He hates most of the paintings he sells. He finds them to be full of clichés, missing a depth he's always thought that art was supposed to be about. It starts with not liking few small details, like a too bright sky or too green grass. But the more he looks at them, the more he starts to hate them all.

 

The paintings he sells are as usually as empty as he is.

 

But today isn’t one of these days. He doesn't have to go to work and he wakes up with warm feeling deep in his chest. The TV is still on and his legs are wooden, but he doesn't mind. He smiles at the phone screen as he saves the contact and thinks that maybe, _maybe_ , he still can be saved as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of fluff before we finally get serious ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)


	3. A birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey. I'm sorry, are you busy ?"  
> "Not at all. What's up ?"  
> "I just .. Really, really hate my birthday, and it happens to be today and I just wanted to talk but it's alright if you-" Suga babbles before Daichi interrupts him.
> 
> "Suga, are you home ?"

He sits in the middle of his bed, staring at the calendar at the wall as he waits for Daichi to pick up. It's been two weeks since their first call, maybe he's already forgotten about Suga and his offer.

 

"Suga ?"

 

 _Maybe not. What was he going to say ? He could just hang up and then text him it was an accidental call, right ?_ Sighing, he shakes head at his own stupidity.

 

"Hey. I'm sorry, are you busy ?"

"Not at all. What's up ?"

"I just .. Really, really hate my birthday, and it happens to be today and I just wanted to talk but it's alright if you-" Suga babbles before Daichi interrupts him.

"Suga, are you home ?"

 

He takes a deep breath and then breathes out, "Yes."

 

"I'll be there in half a hour. Wait for me."

"Okay."

 

Suga really waits and he feels stupid, because he shouldn't be this excited, but once there's a knock on the door, he almost runs to open them. Daichi stands there in tank-top and ripped jeans, holding a small box with a bow. He hands it to Suga and grins at him. "Open it."

 

He looks at the man suspiciously before untying the ribbon wrapped around the box and opens it, peeking inside. One single cupcake sits on the bottom, with blue cream and tiny gold stars sprinkled on top of it.

 

"It's no cake, but I thought this would do the job just fine."

"You really didn't have to," Suga mumbles in awe, "Thank you."

"Can I come in?"

 

Suga nods and moves aside, closing the door once Daichi walks inside and leads him to the living room. He probably should have cleaned up, he curses, but Daichi doesn't seem to care. Instead, he takes the box out of Suga's hands and pulls out a thin candle and a lighter out of his pocket. He turns his back to Suga and once he faces him again, he holds the cupcake with an ignited candle on his palms in front of his chest.

 

"Make a wish," he smiles.

 

Suga realises that he looks even better in the daylight, with the sunbeams falling on his face and exposed arms. Daichi wasn't blessed with the model-like standing out beauty, no, he had something much better. He was a handsome guy, no doubts about that, but he got more beautiful the more you looked at him.

 

It takes a few seconds till Suga remembers that Daichi in fact asked him to do something and he's still waiting. He leans closer to him and closes his eyes, blowing the candle off. His wish isn't anything big. He only wants to get to know the man in front of him more.

 

After he opens his eyes and straightens up again, a bit of smoke flutters between them, making Suga giggle as Daichi waves his hand to get rid of it.

 

"Have you made the wish ?"

"Yes."

"Good, eat it so we can go."

"Go ? Where ?"

"Oh, that's surprise."

 

 

-

 

"Paintball?"

"Yes. It'll be fun, I promise," Daichi grins as they get out of his car, "Trust me."

"I do."

 

He lets Daichi take care of everything before he follows him to small changing rooms. He tries his best not to look at him as they undress, but he still sneaks a few glances on Daichi's bare back and chest.

 

As he listens to Daichi explaining what he calls basics of paintball, two guys ask them if they're up to two on two. Daichi looks at Suga for permission and once he nods, he agrees.

 

Daichi's strategy is a good one, Suga must admit. One of the guys is already out after few minutes and it doesn't take much longer until they get the other one as well. It's just a game, yet Daichi takes off his glasses and then Suga’s as he shouts in victory. He picks Suga up with no problem whatsoever, spinning him around once. Then he stops and just holds Suga while grinning, leaving him breathless. Suga blames it on all the running.

 

But when he takes a closer look at Daichi's face, it's like his beauty increases again. Suga notices small details he hasn't before, small scar above his eyebrow and barely visible freckles on his cheeks.

 

His heart shouldn't be beating this fast. His arms shouldn't be curling around Daichi's neck. He shouldn't be thinking about the strong arms around him. He shouldn't be leaning closer to him. _He shouldn't._

 

He slips out of Daichi's grip and jumps down on the ground, his head spinning.

 

The journey back to Suga's flat is mostly quiet. Daichi says something time from time and Suga replies, but there's no flow in the conversation, so they abandon it. It gives Suga enough peace to think.

 

The silence isn't broken once they're inside. Instead of talking, Daichi kisses him as soon he closes the door. It's not romantic or gentle, it's a hungry kiss. Suga returns it without hesitation, his hands quickly finding Daichi's chest under his top.

 

They both lose most of their clothes on the way from the hall to the bedroom, leaving mess everywhere. But Suga couldn't care less, as long as he has the warm lips on his own and big hands on his body. He couldn't care less if it was wrong or right, because Daichi's body was a real work of art and as long as he got to enjoy it, any morality went aside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for the last sentence .. But at least this chapter started sweet, didn't it ? Well, better not get too used to it, because you know me
> 
> (I'm late with update 'cause I have to finish a portrait that someone ordered and I just fucked up 4th try .. Aaand it has to be done till tonight)


	4. Daichi's friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They lie next to each other in silence. Daichi is still asleep, allowing Suga to enjoy watching him without any distractions or fear of being caught. He takes in the way his chest rises and falls with every breath, the way his muscles tense and relax when he moves around. It's truly blissful view.

They lie next to each other in silence. Daichi is still asleep, allowing Suga to enjoy watching him without any distractions or fear of being caught. He takes in the way his chest rises and falls with every breath, the way his muscles tense and relax when he moves around. It's truly blissful view.

 

When Daichi wakes up, the atmosphere shifts. Maybe it's the way he slowly, inch by inch, moves away from Suga as he sits up, making sure the lower part of his body is covered with the duvet. He seems distant, barely looking at Suga.

 

And when he does, Suga would rather have his eyes on him ever again. The look isn't like anything he's seen before; he can't lay a finger on what it means. But for some reason, his chest aches before Daichi even says the first word.

 

"I guess we should talk," Daichi mumbles, his voice still sleepy as he holds in a yawn.

 

Suga's heart drops lower inside him, the words ' _we should talk'_ never carry anything good with them. He knows that much. His first girlfriend broke up with him after _'we should talk'_. His father left the house and never came back after _'we should talk_ '.

 

Suga's grown to hate these three simple words.

 

"Okay."

"About last night .. I'm not looking for anything serious. I don’t want relationship, love, or anything like that."

 

His heart sinks even lower. How naive it was to think that _he was._

 

"But I enjoyed it. So if you want, we could continue, with no strings."

 

That was it ? Daichi would only open up to him as long as they got undressed ? Daichi would accept his body but anything else ? And in return, he wouldn't give any more than what he's taken ?

 

If Suga was smart, he would refuse without even thinking about it. No strings meant only fall, and he was sure as hell that would be his case.

 

If Suga was smart, he would have known that it meant having only a small part of Daichi. But as he looks at the man in his bed, he somehow can't imagine not having him at all.

 

_But Suga wasn’t._

 

"Alright."

 

 

And everything's blurry, but Daichi's lips are on his and even if his feelings have gone numb, he returns every kiss and touch.

 

After it's over, he's left alone in the bed. It's still warm, but he's cold and tears soak his pillow quietly as Daichi gets dressed and leaves.

 

 

Since that day, it's always like this. They're acting like friends but once they're alone, Daichi can't take his hands off him. It almost feels real. It almost feels like love. But it isn't. It's just physical, at least for Daichi.

 

Suga doesn't question him. He doesn't question why Daichi lets him crawl under his sheets or why the two of them never talk about what happens under them.

 

Until one day when Suga comes over and the one to open the door is half naked woman, calling that Daichi's _friend_ came to visit him. The man comes to greet him as poorly dressed as she, only sweatpants hanging on his hips.

 

Daichi introduces Suga to the woman as his best _friend_ , leaving out the fact that he's the one making him moan almost regularly.

 

Suga tries to speak as cheerful as he can, however his voice remains flat and fake. The woman either doesn't notice or lets it slip by as she clings to Daichi, her hands running over his chest just like Suga's do every other night. He clenches his fits but keeps a smile on his lips till the woman kiss Daichi's cheek and runs off to get dressed.

 

Suga finally allows himself to scowl, digging his nails into the back of his hands. Only after she leaves, Daichi looks at him properly.

 

" _Just what am I to you?!_ " Suga spits out angrily.

"You're my best friend," the other man answers confused.

Suga laughs, "Friends don't do things that we do."

 

He wants to shout, he wants to let it all out. He wants to tell Daichi that he feels something more for him, that Daichi means something more him. But he doesn't, because Daichi kisses him instead and mumbles how he's missed him between the kisses. It pains him, he wishes Daichi's words had more meaning than simply craving his body. But he doesn't stop him, _no_ , he helps him throw away all the layers that are between them.

 

It's always like this, every single time. He comes ready to tell him it's over, but still, he ends up in his bed, enjoying the temporary satisfaction.  And when it's over, he lies with his fingerprints burning all over his skin and he craves more. Daichi lets him sleep in his arms, but once the sun is up, he never speaks about what goes down in his bed.

 

It hurts, it tears him apart, drives him insane. Yet, he loves the pain that fills his chest, because at least he doesn't feel empty anymore. He must be sick to enjoy this guilty pleasure.

 

So he lies there and stares at the clock, counting the time he has left to stay in Daichi's arms before he will be forced to be only his friend again. He never sleeps during these nights. He just watches the stupid clock and soaks Daichi's pillow with his tears until he slips out of his grip. With the sun rising, he gathers his things and leaves, going home with heart heavier each time.

 

He hopes Daichi never wakes up soon enough to find his empty pillow wet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I haven't updated yesterday, two chapters today .. Enjoy the angst 
> 
> Honestly my chapters are getting still shorter and shorter but I feel like I've written everything I wanted and if I added more things, it just would be complete mess ?


	5. I was wondering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't have to answer, of course, it's totally up to you and I won't force it out of you. Why were you there ?"
> 
> Why did you want to kill yourself ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes at the end of this chapter

"Sorry I'm late, I had to help my mom with something," Daichi smiles sheepishly as he steps inside Suga's apartment, "But I have movies and popcorn and some sweets. Am I forgiven?“

 

Suga glares at him, crossing his arms on his chest before he bursts into giggles, "Yeah. What popcorn do you have ?"

"Salty and cheesy."

"You really overcame yourself," Suga notes as he takes the plastic bag from him and heads to the kitchen.

"Which do you want first ?" he calls.

"I don't mind, you pick !" Daichi calls back.

 

When Suga comes to the living room, the TV is already turned on as Daichi sets the movie. He slumps on the sofa and pulls a blanket over his legs, sitting the bowl full of popcorn on his lap. He always tactically picks salty one first, because it's Daichi's favourite, and he eats the entire bowl by himself. This means that the most of the cheesy popcorn is for Suga, because Daichi’s usually too full after the first bowl. Sure, they could just each get their own bowl, but Daichi disagrees to do that and Suga's secretly glad they never do. He likes the idea of sharing.

 

The movie is good, however the choice to watch it wasn't. As Suga watches the story of young kid running from his home, leaving his parents behind, he can't help but think about his own family. After his third sniff, _which he thought was discrete enough_ , Daichi throws some popcorn on his head before whispering: "Are you okay ?"

 

Suga only nods, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand before throwing the popcorn back at him and they watch the rest of the movie silently. When it ends, Daichi shifts on the sofa so he faces Suga.

 

"You know, today it's exactly a month since we met."

Suga raises eyebrows, "You remember the date ?"

"Yeah," Daichi nods, "Can I ask something ?"

"Sure."

"You don't have to answer, of course, it's totally up to you and I won't force it out of you. Why were you there ?"

 

_Why did you want to kill yourself ?_

Suga's blood freezes in his veins. He has expected this question, sooner or later, but that doesn't mean he's ready to answer it.

 

Daichi won't force him. He knows that he wouldn't force him into anything ever. And he's saved Suga. So why shouldn't he tell him, after all ?

 

No, Suga wasn't afraid that Daichi would force him to tell. He was scared that Daichi will look at him differently.  The one of many things he's liked about Daichi was the fact that he was there for Suga when his state worsened time from time, but that didn't change anything between them. Suga didn't need more pity - and Daichi's never pitied him. No, he listened to him and cheered him up when it was needed. Suga didn't want that to change.

 

"I ran away from home when I was seventeen."

 

Daichi nods and moves closer, resting his hand on Suga's knee and rubs soft circles on it.

 

"And I just .. I've just been feeling so empty ever since then," he sobs out, covering his face.

 

Strong arms wrap around him as Daichi pulls him to his chest. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I do," Suga sniffs.

 

He lets himself cry on Daichi's shoulder before he slowly calms down, at least enough to speak.

 

"My dad left us when I was ten. And my mom changed a lot, she kept disparaging me and bringing me down and she never supported me in anything. On my seventeenth birthday we had a big fight and I couldn't take it anymore and I just ran way. My aunt took me in and let me with her till I could afford to move out."

 

Daichi nods quietly and wipes Suga's cheeks from the tears with his thumbs. "I'm sorry, that really sucks. Have you spoken to your mom since then ?"

 

Suga shakes head, sniffing.

 

"Do you want to ?"

"Maybe. Yes"

"Then just start with a simple call if you feel like it."

 

"Will you stay with me when I call her ?"

"You bet your ass _I will._ "

 

Suga chuckles and grabs his phone from the coffee table, texting his aunt. Daichi keeps his hands on his cheeks as he does.

 

"What if she doesn't to talk to me ?"

"Totally her loss," Daichi mutters.

 

He looks up at the man in front of him and smiles. Daichi returns it, wider and brighter. Before Suga knows it, he's leaning to him, only inches separating them. When he closes the space between them, he meets something entirely new. Daichi's lips move slowly with his, there's no rush and no hunger like usually. No matter how much he loves the rough and passionate kisses, he could kiss Daichi like this forever. It's just a sweet, gentle kiss, until Suga's ringtone interrupts them. Daichi pulls away without any protests, giving Suga encouraging smile.

 

He pulls away from the embrace and clears his throat; his eyes glued on Daichi as he answers the call and moves the phone to his ear. Daichi takes his free hand in his and holds it gently.

 

"Koushi ?"

 

His heart beats like crazy, he's almost sure that even Daichi can hear it. But it's too late to back off now, so he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to speak as calmly as he can.

 

"Hi. I was wondering if you would like to meet up and talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I've been thinking a lot, but you know, I had this story in my head for a while now and I could change it, yes, but I would most likely feel like crap. Because I've put quite a lot of thought into this plot especially (I just rolled with the two other in the series, made it up as I went, mostly)
> 
> Anyway, here I made a list of things that I hope you guys noticed in this chapter (if not sooner) :
> 
> -Daichi remembers the date they met for the first time  
> -Daichi brings his fave popcorn and Suga's fave popcorn but he still insists that they 'share' it  
> -Daichi asks if he can ask before he asks  
> -Daichi supports Suga whatever he chooses to do  
> -Daichi wishes Suga will overcome and make peace with his past  
> -Daichi thinks that if Suga's mother doesn't want him, it's her loss because in his eyes, Suga is awesome  
> -Daichi makes Suga laugh even when he's sad
> 
> -Daichi's made mistake with the whole no strings thing but he's still Suga's friend in first place  
> -Daichi would never force him into anything and Suga knows it (don't forget that Suga agreed to sleep with him, he could have said no and Daichi would still be his friend)  
> -Suga likes that Daichi doesn't pity him like other people and instead he listens to him
> 
> That's all, I think. I really appreciate all the feedback and the fact that you really pay attention to the story \\(^~^)/


	6. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as he grabs the hem of his t-shirt to take it off, a pair of hands sneak around him from behind and hover over his own, stopping him.
> 
> "It looks good."
> 
> Suga shivers at the touch before sighing. "The last time we've seen each other .. "

Suga checks himself in the mirror again.

"Not this," he mumbles, shaking his head.

 

Just as he grabs the hem of his t-shirt to take it off, a pair of hands sneak around him from behind and hover over his own, stopping him.

 

"It looks good."

 

Suga shivers at the touch before sighing. "The last time we've seen each other I was .. Emo."

Daichi tries to hold in his laugh behind him, earning being elbowed in his ribs slightly.

"That's not funny."

"Did you also wear eyeliner ?"

Suga sighs again, "Yes."

"Black nails ?"

" _Stop it,"_ he pouts.

"It wasn't a phase? Okay, sorry, that was the last one."

"Good, thank you very much."

"Do you have any photos ?"

"Oh my god, no!"

 

Daichi laughs again, stepping back to protect himself. Suga shoots him a glare before he takes his phone.

 

"Is today really Tuesday ?"

"Yes."

"And the text says 3 pm, right ?"

 

Daichi picks up his phone and opens the text, nodding. "3 pm this Tuesday."

Suga sighs, again, and looks in the mirror, again.

 

"Hey, I will be there as long as you want me to, okay ?"

 

He nods, taking a deep breath. "We should go."

 

 

As they stand in front of the gate, Suga asks the same questions once more. _Is it really Tuesday ? Are they supposed to be here at 3 pm ? Is it really okay to bring Daichi along ?_

 

_Does she really want to talk to him ?_

 

"If you changed your mind, we can still leave," Daichi assures him.

 

Suga only shakes head and places his shaky finger on the doorbell. He turns to Daichi, and as he finds a smile on his lips, he presses it.

 

They wait only a few seconds till small woman opens the door. She looks older than Suga remembers her. It's not the fact that she aged, it was only six years since the last time he's seen here. No, she looked .. _Exhausted_. Her once black hair went to dark grey and the bags under her eyes got bigger.

 

Suga is dazed. A mix of old emotions takes over him, and he's not sure what to feel first. Anger ? Sorrow ? Betrayal ? Heartbreak ?

 

It's all too much and before he knows it, he's turning around, his legs ready to run. Daichi notices this and wraps his arm around his shoulder as he looks at him worriedly. He stares back at him in panic, hoping he will save him.

 

But what should Daichi save him from ? Facing something he's been avoiding for years ?

 

"Breathe," Daichi whispers as he strokes his arm.

 

Suga nods frantically, taking a deep breath and letting it out seconds later. When he turns to the door again, his mother is crying and he soon realises that he is as well.

 

Daichi pats his shoulder before he lets Suga go, let him run to her and crush the woman in a tight hug. She hugs him back for a while, then she pulls away and strokes his hair and cheeks and arms, smiling through her tears. Suga giggles and wipes his own with the back of his hand.

 

"I'm so glad to see you, _so so glad."_

Suga nods, "I hope you don't mind I brought someone with me."

"No, I don't mind the handsome guy," she smirks at him, "Is he your _boyfriend_ ?"

"NO !" Suga yelps, making her laugh.

 

It's not what Suga has expected, but it feels good. It feels good to hear he joke around and hear her laugh. It feels good to be teased by her just like when he was a kid. He knows that they will have to talk seriously in a bit in order to solve the problem. However, for now, he just wants to enjoy the careless atmosphere.

 

"Then who is he ?"

 

He turns to Daichi and gestures him to come closer. The other man obeys, bowing to his mother.

"I'm Sawamura Daichi. Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Sugawara."

"Now, now, let's go inside, shall we ?"

 

Suga nods and follows his mother and Daichi to the living room. Nothing really changed here. The wall is still full of photos of him, which surprises him a little, but somehow makes him relieved that she didn't, in fact, forget her son.

 

He regrets his relief as soon as Daichi spots the photos, making faces at his as he lets out a long ' _aaaw_ '. Suga kicks his butt when his mother isn't looking.

 

"Do you want tea or coffee or-"

"Tea will be fine," Suga smiles.

After she disappears in the kitchen, he glares at Daichi.

"What are you doing ?"

"Taking pictures of your baby pictures. You never know when it comes handy."

"I do know. _Never_ ," he groans as he tries to grab the phone from the other man.

 

His mother comes back in the middle of their fight, clearing her throat. They both stop immediately, arms glued to their sides. She laughs as them as she serves the tea.

 

The conversation is nice, mostly focused on Daichi. When his mother goes to get some sweets, Daichi leans to him and whispers, "It almost feels like you brought home a new boyfriend to be approved."

 

Suga nods and forces out a small chuckle, however his heart aches.

 

 _Almost_.

 

"So, I guess you didn't come here to brag about your handsome friend," she says as she comes back, turning serious.

 

Daichi steals one cookie, before he excuses himself. Suga directs him to his old bedroom, knowing he will regret this decision too. He just hopes Daichi won't find anything _that_ embarrassing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I cried while writing this 
> 
> But someone please tell me, is the summary tricky ? I feel like most of my summaries are tricky
> 
> Tbh I felt like Suga would be just too happy to actually see his mom still care about him and so would she, so they would be silly at first and then serious, idk.  
> Also, Daichi is that one asshole friend who brings out your baby pictures


	7. Don't go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Suga wakes up, the bed is empty. He sits up, looking around the room, but Daichi is nowhere to be seen. With a sigh, he forces himself out of the bed and walks out of the bedroom.

When Suga wakes up, his cheek is pressed against something warm - and on the move. Everything around is dark, he can't really see anything other than weak lights from the old street lamps. After a while, his eyes get used to the darkness and he recognizes that the warm moving thing is Daichi's shoulder.

 

" _Daichi_ ?"

"Hey sleepyhead. Are you okay back there ?"

 

It takes another couple of seconds for him to realise that Daichi is, in fact, giving him a piggyback ride, holding his legs around his waist so he won’t fall. Suga’s arms are wrapped around his neck, his hands bumping against Daichi’s chest as he walks.

 

He tries to remember how this happened, but nothing comes to his mind.

 

"How did I get here ?"

"You climbed there," Daichi laughs, "I guess you were still half-asleep."

"Why are you carrying me ?"

"So you sleep fine."

"Where are we going ?"

"To my place, it's nearer than yours."

"When-"

"Stops the questioning, I feel like a teenager asking my mother to go out."

 

Suga yawns and shifts his face against Daichi's shoulder, nuzzling into it. "What about my mother ?"

"She laughed at you when we were leaving. She also showed me more photos of you. But I'm supposed to tell you that she hopes to see you again soon."

"Hmm-hmh."

 

Another yawn slips through his lips, a louder one this time.

" _You're cute when you're sleepy_ ," Daichi whispers so quietly that if the street wasn't empty, Suga is sure he wouldn't hear it.

 

He decides it's for better if he acts like he didn't, his cheeks warming up as he closes his eyes and enjoys the heat of Daichi’s body against his.

 

He wonders if Daichi would treat him like this if they were dating. His heart aches at the thought.

 

He only opens his eyes again when Daichi lets go of him legs to unlock the door. Unwillingly, he jumps down and follows the dark-haired man inside the flat.

 

"Want to order something ? We could make something as well, but I'm not sure what's left in the fridge."

"Let's just order then," Suga yawns and rubs his eyes before he stumbles to the living room, his legs wooden.

 

When Daichi joins him, he's already lying comfortably on the sofa, holding one of the pillows to his chest. The other man slumps down on the space left by Suga's feet, stretching out his arms.

 

"Did you and your mom make up?" he asks, his eyes finding Suga's.

"Yeah," Suga smiles.

"I'm glad. It's good to see you happy."

 

Suga observes him, the short hair and kind face. "Thank you."

Daichi shakes head, "I promised you that things will get better, didn't I ? That was the least I could do. Carrying you all the way on the other hand.."

 

Suga laughs and throws the pillow on him. "Are you saying that I'm heavy ?"

"Oh no, _I would never_ ," Daichi smirks and throws the pillow back at him.

 

-

 

"Let's go to bed," Daichi says as he gets up, taking Suga's hand.

"Daichi, I don't feel like-"

 

The other man shakes head, placing his hand over Suga's mouth. "I wanna know everything.”

 

Suga follows him to the bedroom, lying beside him. They lie side by side, on top of Daichi's duvet.

 

"She changed her job after I left. She's now working in an office, helping out some writer. She says it's better than any of her previous jobs."

"That's good."

 

Suga nods, watching the lights playing on the ceiling as cars go by Daichi's house.

 

They talk till their mouths are completely dry and all the words run out. They look at each other till their eyelids become too heavy and their eyes too tired. Daichi's hand finds Suga's.

 

 

" _Don't go tonight_ ," Daichi mumbles just before he finally gives up and falls asleep.

 _“I won’t,_ ” Suga whispers back.

 

-

 

When Suga wakes up, the bed is empty. He sits up, looking around the room, but Daichi is nowhere to be seen. With a sigh, he forces himself out of the bed and walks out of the bedroom. The first place he thinks of is kitchen; however when he hears some voices halfway through the hall, he heads to the living room instead.

 

He faces two strangers, one with crazier hair than the other, both a bit too loud for him in the morning.

 

"Suga, right ?" one of them, the one with gray hair, calls.

" _Yes_ ?" he half replies, half asks.

 

Daichi looks at him apologetically, "Morning. This is Bokuto and this is Kuroo."

 

Suga nods, staring at the two for longer than is really necessary. He thanks Gods that he actually fell asleep fully clothed.

 

He hesitantly sits down next to Daichi, letting the three man continue in their conversation. It turns out that Daichi's friends may be loud and crazy looking, but they both somehow make it work. Suga starts to feel more comfortable around them after few minutes, joining their conversation.

 

"The things we need to tell you about Sawamura here, there are just so many, " Kuroo sighs.

"What things ?" Suga asks, raising eyebrows.

"Well, his mom never tells embarrassing stories about him," Bokuto replies instead, "So we do that job."

 

Daichi rubs his forehead and Suga laughs, nudging him. "It's almost like a payback, isn't it ?"

"You two are the ones to talk about embarrassing things, really," Daichi protests and points at Kuroo, "See this guy ?"

"Obviously," Suga replies.

"This guy has a folder full of photos of his friend, and he names every single one. _Kenma being cute while doing this, Kenma looks adorable while doing this,.."_

Both Suga and Bokuto laugh, but Bokuto's laugh finds its end soon enough.

 

"And the other one, don't even get me started. He stalks one guy for two months now. And he still hasn't even spoken to him."

"He is too beautiful to talk to."

 

Daichi just groans and shakes his head, "I am done."

"Now, now," Suga giggles, "I'll go make coffee."

 

He walks to the kitchen, preparing everything while he hums to himself. He likes Daichi's friends. They're fun and they drive Daichi crazy. As he walks back, he stops when a serious tone of Kuroo's voice encounters his ears.

 

"Daichi, just what are you doing this time ? You have to stop using him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a roller coaster of emotions, it's a lot even for me


	8. Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I agreed to this, does he know ? Does he know ? You asked and I agreed, there's nothing wrong about it. Does he know ?"

Suga knows he shouldn't be standing by the corner and eavesdrop on people. But he can't control himself, he can't move from the spot.

 

"I'm not-"

"Yes, _you are_."

 

The silence follows and lasts for quite a while, before someone, probably Kuroo, clears their throat.

 

" _Daichi_ ," Kuroo starts, this time softly, "I understand. I've been through this. It's scary and it hurts, but you can't do this forever. You can't stay like this forever. If you're still not sure, that's okay, you have all the time in the world."

 

Suga leans his back against the wall, thinking about how the words remind him of Daichi's.

 

"I know you care, but you don't look at him the way he looks at you. I know it sounds harsh, but he's at much worse place than you. Set him free."

 

Suga quietly returns to the kitchen, trying to calm down his thoughts. Just who was Kuroo talking about ? Does Daichi have another lover ? It wouldn't be much of a surprise, but still, something is missing in the picture. Something feels wrong.

 

"Sugar ?" He calls, his voice trembling.

 

Three voices call back and he finishes what he's began, brings three cups of coffee on a tray to the living room. They all thank him, Kuroo looking more serious than before.

 

Suga doesn't sit next to the Daichi, but Bokuto instead. After Daichi and the black-haired man excuse themselves and walks to the balcony, Bokuto turns to him with somehow pitiful smile.

 

"Hope you don't mind being left with just me," he says sheepishly.

"Oh, not at all. Is it true that you're stalking someone ?"

Bokuto laughs, his shoulders shaking as his head fall back. "You could say so."

"How comes ?"

 

The man shifts on the sofa and looks at Suga. "Well, here's the thing. One day I was going to visit one bistro before work, I always go there, but it's pretty far from where I live, so I took a bus. And one stop after the one I got on the bus, this guy got on and he like rushed to one seat by the window. And I just .. He was so beautiful, you know ?"

 

Suga smiles and nods, encouraging Bokuto to continue.

 

"And few days after that, I saw him again, and the stalking thing kinda just happened."

"What is he like ?"

"Like, most guys are handsome or simply hot, but not him. Well, he is, too, but he's mostly just beautiful. Too beautiful. And elegant. He always looks like he's thinking about saving the world. And sometimes he falls asleep and I'm really worried that he will bump his head or miss his stop. I don’t even care if he’s into guys or not, I just want to get to know him."

 

Suga's smile grows wider and then fades away as quickly. He understands that feeling. The need to know more. The desire to be closer.

 

"I think you should try to talk to him the next time you see him. You never know what time will be the last."

"But how ?" Bokuto whines.

"You said he sits on the same spot every time, right ?"

Bokuto nods, "Yeah."

"Then sit there and wait what happens. If he sits somewhere else, you will just have to walk to him and talk."

 

The other man nods, thanking for his advice and promising to text Suga how it went after they exchange phone numbers.

 

Once Daichi and Kuroo come back, the black-haired man only nods towards Bokuto and he is on his feet already, saying goodbye to Suga. They're both gone till Suga manages to say anything.

 

"I have to talk to you."

 

Suga automatically tenses up, looking up at Daichi. "About ?"

 

The man turns his back to him, glancing out of the window as he runs his hand through his hair. It only makes Suga more nervous.

 

"I want to stop doing what we've been doing."

"What ?"

"We should be only friends. Nothing more."

 

The words are like dagger in Suga's heart.

"Why?" he asks quietly, "Have I done anything wrong ?"

"No, you haven't. I don't want to do it anymore."

 

Suga's hands tremble in his lap as his heartbeat fastens and his breathing becomes heavier, panic taking over his body. He can’t lose the tiny piece of Daichi that he has, not now, not like this. He cannot.

 

" _Why_ ?"

 

Daichi finally turns to face him with watery eyes.

 

"I was a fool. I shouldn't be using you."

"Using me ?" he jumps up, stepping towards Daichi. "I agreed to this, does he know ? Does he know ? You asked and I agreed, there's nothing wrong about it. Does he know ?"

"Suga .."

"I heard him, but does he know ?"

"Yes ! But I'm not like you, Suga !"

"I know that, I know. You don't want love or relationship or strings, I know. But I've never asked for any of it."

 

Daichi groans and covers his face with his palms. He stays like this for few seconds before he looks at Suga again, pity written all over his face.

 

"No. _I'm not like you_ , Suga. I'm not gay."

 

The room starts spinning or maybe it's just Suga's head, either way it's terrible feeling. His hands act on their own, slapping Daichi's chest repeatedly. He can't see his expression, tears blocking his view, and perhaps he's thankful for it.

 

The other man doesn't stop him, he doesn't do anything. He just stands there and allows Suga let it out on his chest, even if his palms hit with more of a sorrow than strength. After a while, his palms start to burn and he finally stops, stepping back. 

 

"So I was just your experiment after all,” he chokes out.

"I'm sorry.”

 

Suga shakes head and the next thing he knows is that he's running, fast and not knowing where.

 

 

He ends up at the same spot as always, watching the river flow calmly as he leans against the handrail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Suga will not die, stay calm  
> Forget the angst, remember Bokuto talking about Akaashi
> 
>  
> 
> Don't hate me pls


	9. Should have known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The woman nods, playing with a pencil between her fingers. "So you think you will be better off without him ?"  
> "No. He made me feel, both good and bad things, and.."  
> "And you want to feel again."

"Sir ? Are you okay ?" a shy, soft voice reaches his ears.

 

He turns to look at young man, probably younger than himself, gazing at him through blond hair falling into his face. Suga nods, wiping his eyes.

 

"Wait, I have a tissue," the stranger mumbles and searches through his pockets.

 

Suga watches him quietly, accepting the tissue after he finds it, and thanks him.

 

"A bad day ?" the blond man asks awkwardly, shifting his feet on the ground as Suga blows his nose.

"You could say so, _yeah_."

 

The man searches through his pockets again and pulls out an old coin, reaching out to Suga. "I erm, found this today. And .. Some people say that if you give someone something you have found, it brings them luck .."

 

Suga eyes him as he takes the coin, noticing it's foreign.

 

"Thank you," he smiles slightly.

 

His smile is returned before the man rushes away. Suga turns the coin between his fingers before putting it in his wallet.

 

-

 

"With what are you coming today ?" a black-haired woman looks at him as he sits on in the armchair.

"I'm not sure," Suga admits sheepishly.

"Well, what about you start with what had happened since the last time we've seen each other ?"

 

With a heavy heart, he tells his therapist about his attempt to end his life and how he met Daichi, who seemed like his savior. But now he wasn't so sure about it.

 

"So, you became close to new person. That's great. How are things between you two now ?"

 

_Fucked up. Ruined. Destroyed. In pieces._

 

Ashamed, he tells her everything. Normally, he probably wouldn't talk about anything like that, but Suga knew this woman wouldn't judge him. And after all, she was gay as well.

 

"I see," she says, pushing her glasses up her nose, " So you agreed to something without knowing everything and now you feel betrayed. Right ?"

 

Suga nods, sniffing in order to keep his tears to himself.

 

"It might be a good thing t be separated for a while. How long you haven't seen each other ?"

"Five days," he mumbles.

"And you haven't tried to contact each other ?"

"He .. He's been texting me. And calling."

"And you haven't replied ?"

"No."

 

She nods, pushing some black hair behind her ear. "Now, it may be hard, but I think you know what's coming up. You will have to choose if you either forgive him or not. But try not to make the decision not only using your heart or brain, but try to combine the two."

 

Suga has tried that, in fact. But his brain shouts that he should never see Daichi again, while his heart cries to be close to him, even if it’s only as a friend and nothing more.

 

"I just .. Don't know if he cares about me or .."

"He seems to care about you and he probably realised what he's done wrong if he said he wanted to end it."

"I guess," Suga sighs.

"People hurt each other even if they care about each other. And sometimes, they don't know it until it's too late. Is it too late for you two ?"

 

Suga rubs his forehead and leans back, trying to contain his thoughts. Too late ? It was too late, for Suga at least, because Daichi has stolen his heart. And Suga isn't sure if he wants it back.

 

"I .. I thought that there wasn't anything left to break of me or anything left to take from me. And I was wrong."

 

The woman nods, playing with a pencil between her fingers. "So you think you will be better off without him ?"

"No. He made me feel, both good and bad things, and.."

"And you want to feel again. That actually happens to lot of people, so it’s nothing to worry about. However, I still think you should at least give it some time. To calm down and make up your mind. Then it would be for the best to just sit down and talk it out. It’s up to you if you continue with the friendship or end it for good."

 

Suga sighs again, "I just feel like such an idiot. I mean, I knew he still slept with some women, _I should have known_."

 

The woman raises eyebrows and leans closer to him. "There aren't only straight and gay people. I think your friend is in denial or he doesn't know yet."

 

Suga stares at her, unable to reply.

 

"Either way, what he's done is wrong. And he knows that too, now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is a shorter one again, but it's mostly dialogue, so I thought it wouldn't matter much 
> 
> And guess who are the guests in this chapter :D (Kenma and Kiyoko, my babies)  
> Btw, the most of the questions, advice, and notes Kiyoko said are things that my therapist actually said to me (but in different situations, because I wasn't used by Daichi, you know)


	10. I thought I lost you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all leaves him confused, is he really that desperate to talk to him ?
> 
> It might be selfish, but Suga gladly lets him without a single reply. It might be wicked, but part of him wants to lecture him. Teach him a lesson.

Most of the texts from Daichi filling up his phone for past few days are the same, yet Suga shamefully reads them all.

 

_'Are you okay ?'_

_'I have your shirt'_

_'Can we talk ?'_

_'You left your jacket here'_

_'I'm just really worried about you'_

_'Bokuto is asking for you'_

 

Suga is aware that Daichi has neither his shirt nor jacket; Suga wouldn't leave any evidence at the crime scene. Bokuto has his number, and in fact, they've been texting each other for a while now, so that's another lie from the man. Is he not in contact with Bokuto ? It all leaves him confused, is he really that desperate to talk to him ?

 

It might be selfish, but Suga gladly lets him without a single reply. It might be wicked, but part of him wants to lecture him. Teach him a lesson.

 

He puts his phone back in his pocket and rings the doorbell. His mother opens the door just after few seconds, hugging him before letting him step inside.

 

"Do I look good ?" she asks him nervously.

"Of course you do," Suga smiles, "When will the lucky man be here ?"

"He should arrive any second."

Suga nods and follows her to the living room. "Don't you want to put all the pictures away ?"

"No ! And, he's already seen them. I just want you to meet him."

"So I approve him ?"

 

The woman sighs, "Yeah. It looks like you have better taste in men than I do."

 _"I wonder.."_ Suga mumbles, frowning to himself.

 

His last choice wasn't _exactly the best one_ , after all.

 

His mother's boyfriend seems like a good guy. He introduces himself politely first and just then greets his mother with a kiss on her cheek. Suga observes him the whole evening, noticing his small habits and the way he talks to his mother and about her. It doesn't look like he's pretending to be someone else, so after a while, Suga lets his guard down slightly.

 

However, he still tests him, which the older man accepts humbly. When Suga asks him about it, he explains that he only wants the best for the woman, and if it means trying to pass a test from her son, he will gladly to it. This answer pleases Suga.

 

When his mom comes back from the kitchen, he doesn't participate in their conversation anymore. Instead, he wonders what it must be like to have someone care about you so deeply that they put your happiness before actually being with you. Did Daichi cut things between them for a similar reason ? Or he just couldn't take the guilt building up in him anymore ?

 

He finishes his meal in silence, watching the couple in front of him. Once they finish as well, the man offers to help with cleaning up.

 

"It's alright, you can make Koushi some company. I'll be right back," she smiles at them and disappears in the kitchen.

"She really doesn't like people messing around in her kitchen, does she ?" the man jokes.

"Yeah," Suga chuckles, "That's true."

"So, when we're alone, I have something to ask you," the other man says quietly as he reaches into his pocket.

 

He takes out a small fancy looking box, opening it slightly to reveal a ring with tiny diamond. Suga lets out a soft gasps of a surprise, looking at the ring and then the man.

 

"May I have your approval ?"

 

"Yes !" Suga yelps before covering his mouth with his hands.

The man smiles and hides the box in his pocket again, smiling. "Thank you."

 

Suga nods frantically, a grin creeping on his face even after his mother joins them again. The conversation flows between them, mostly about their jobs.

 

"So, do you have a girlfriend ?" the man asks politely.

"Erm, no.."

"He has a really handsome boyfriend though," his mother interrupts him with a smirk on her lips.

 

Suga's eyes go wide, he doesn't know what the man's opinion on this topic is, for all he knows, he could be-

 

"Really ? That's nice."

"Koushi, don't worry. Takara here is bisexual."

"I'm sorry, he's what ?" Suga asks confused, looking at the man in front of him.

The man laughs, "It's okay. It means I like both men and women."

"He's not my boyfriend though."

  

 _'Both men and women.'_ He immediately remembers what his therapist has told him. _'There aren't only straight and gay people.'_

 

He can't shake the thought off even on his way home. It's already dark and cold when reaches home. Much to his annoyance, the light in the house is not working again, leaving him to stumble in the dark hall to his door. His legs meet something big and soft and he yelps in shock, jumping back. As his eyes slowly get used to the darkness, he recognizes it's a human figure sitting on the stairs. And not just some human figure.

 

"Daichi ?!"

 

The man turns his head up and in a second, he's on his feet, crushing Suga in his arms. His heart pounds in his chest loudly, but once it calms down a bit, he notices the little sobs Daichi is letting out and the tears wetting his shoulder.

 

"I thought I lost you for good, I thought you were dead," Daichi mumbles over and over, his hands clutching Suga's t-shirt tightly.

"What are you talking about ?"

 _"You weren't answering texts or calls and I've been here for five hours_ ," Daichi sobs out desperately, louder than before this time, " _I fucked up, I thought I caused it, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I will leave you alone, just promise nothing will happen to you."_

 

Suga's heart drops deep in his chest when he realises that his little lesson led Daichi to a thought that Suga committed a suicide because of him.

 

As he holds him close to calm him down, he thinks that maybe, _just maybe_ , Daichi puts Suga first now. And maybe, _it's just the guilt building up inside him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suga is confused and so am I  
> But what did you think about this ?  
> (btw can you tell I like sentences with maybe, just maybe ? :D )


	11. Without fighting it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He watches the man on his sofa from afar as he prepares a calming tea for him. He kind of reminds him of one of these tiny dogs who shiver all the time. Daichi's been shaking in his living room for the past ten minutes, unable to simmer down, no matter Suga has told him. 
> 
> The other man looks at him and starts crying once more. Suga curses himself for not knowing what else to do expect listen to his broken sobs again.

He watches the man on his sofa from afar as he prepares a calming tea for him. He kind of reminds him of one of these tiny dogs who shiver all the time. Daichi's been shaking in his living room for the past ten minutes, unable to simmer down, no matter Suga has told him. He even let Daichi pinch his cheeks to assure the man that he's alive. It didn't help, only made him cry more and mumble more unintelligible words, which Suga understands as a self hatred and apologies.

 

Suga is shaken as well. Not even in his wildest fantasies he could imagine that Daichi would think something like this. But, when he gives it a few thoughts, it makes sense. Daichi was the one who saved Suga from jumping down the bridge and they've never spoken about it much except the time when Daichi asked for the reason. So it's not that surprising that the man would assume Suga has really done it this time.

 

He had it all planned. He had a list of things he would tell (maybe yell at) Daichi once they met again, but seeing him like this is far too heartbreaking to go according a plan. Moreover, Suga is sure that Daichi, in such shocked state, wouldn't hear a thing. And then there is the fact that Suga doesn't want to see him hurt even more.

 

He can't even imagine being in his spot, being sick worried that someone killed themselves because of him. Only the thought of the feeling that Daichi must had leaves goosebumps all over his skin.

 

The water finally boils and Suga quickly makes the tea, carrying it to the living room. Looking at Daichi's trembling hands, he places the cup on the coffee table and sits beside him. The man gazes at him, eyes puffy and nose red, yet Suga's breath is taken away for a second. The confusion spreads in his head, reminding him that his feelings have never been resolved. But at the moment, it’s like he keeps on waiting for something that he will never find.

 

It takes a bit longer until Daichi calms down enough to drink the tea but not enough to speak. Suga doesn't push him. Instead, he sits next to him in complete silence, which Daichi breaks first after what seems like hours.

 

"I'm sorry for the trouble. I'll go now."

 

His voice is cracked and rough, Suga barely recognizes it. He hesitates, but once his eyes meet Daichi's, he quickly grabs his wrist. "Stay."

 

The other man looks at him and starts crying once more. Suga curses himself for not knowing what else to do expect listen to his broken sobs again. He pulls Daichi back to his previous seat beside him.

 

" _Stay_ ," he whispers.

 

Their hands somehow find their way to each other and Suga humbly presses his palm against Daichi's, letting him intertwine their fingers. More time passes, maybe minutes, maybe hours, and Suga is sure he's not getting any sleep tonight.

 

But he doesn't mind. He doesn't mind losing sleep as long as he gets to calm Daichi down.

 

The silence somehow isn't awkward, even if it last for the most of the night. When the sun starts to appear, Daichi pulls his hand away, leaving Suga's fingers numb.

 

 

"I promised you the world and yet I'm the one who hurt you," the man says quietly, watching the sunrise.

 

"Daichi-"

"No, _I have to say it_."

 

Suga looks at him, watching the sun hitting his tears stained cheeks as he searches for the right thing to say.

 

 

"I said it will get better eventually and yet I've worsen it. I told you how this world is fucked up for putting you through hell and yet I put you though it as well, didn't I ?"

 

 

He ignores Daichi's words and saves his own to make the most of the moment. He takes in how messy his hair is and how tired he is. He observes his red nose and sleepy eyes. Despite how bad he would probably look to other people, Suga still finds him as beautiful as the day of his birthday.

 

The realisation comes slowly, gently. It doesn't surprise Suga that much. He isn't shocked that he, _in fact,_ is in love with the man beside him. There's a great possibility that Daichi will never return his feelings, but that doesn't shock him either. He accepts the fact without fighting it.

 

" _Didn't I ?"_ Daichi repeats himself, "Maybe it would be for better if someone else had saved you. I didn't really save you after all."

 

"Daichi, if it wasn't for you, I would have jumped. I didn't take my life only because of you," Suga speaks quietly; "I wanted to live long enough to get to know you. And I don't regret that decision.”

 

Daichi stays quiet this time, his eyes searching for answers on Suga's face.

 

“I think it's time to stop thinking that someone else can save me from myself. I shouldn’t put this entire burden on you," Suga says.

“I want to share it though.”

“Then let’s make a deal. We share our burdens, but not put it all on the other one.”

“ _Deal_ ,” Daichi says and looks out of the window again.

 

There's a great possibility that Daichi will never know how beautiful he looks in that exact moment. _It’s a shame,_ Suga thinks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah, I had this chapter finished last night and I couldn't even sleep properly, I just wanted to post it, because for some reason, it's so far my favourite one. And don't you just love that one paragraph where the main character realises they're in love ? I do.
> 
> Anyway, I hope this chapter helped you all to understand how Suga feels about Daichi and this whole situation better, and also that poor egg Daichi cares very much.  
> It was my main intention for this chapter, so if I failed to do it, let me know.


	12. The letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did you actually take me to-"
> 
> "YEAH !" Bokuto calls happily, "It's awesome, right ?!"
> 
> "Right," Suga says dryly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey, pls read the notes at the end if you're interested in this series

Suga doesn't remember falling asleep. When he wakes up, his flat is empty again. A single folded paper lies on the coffee table next to the half-full cup. The clock ticks away 1 pm when he reads the letter for the first time, holding it between shaky fingers.

 

_'Dear Suga,_

_I know we decided to share our burdens, however I felt like mine was too heavy for your shoulders right now. That's why I'm leaving the country, at least for few days. Don't worry, I'll be staying at my old friend's house_

_I am truly sorry if you feel like I betrayed you by only writing a letter cowardly, but I couldn't look you in the eye after all that has happened between us._

_If you're lonely or sad, both Kuroo and Bokuto are your friends as well now, so don't hesitate to come to them. I don't want you to ever again feel like you're alone, because you’re not. You are a beautiful person and you are loved by all your friends, me including._

_I promise you I will resolve my troubles and come back with answers. I'm not asking you to wait for me. If you want to forget me and move on, as long as you're happy, I'll be happy too. I hope I left behind some reasons to be missed, but if not, don't worry about it. Please remember me as I was, remember me as someone who cared about you, yet hurt you. That's all I ask for._

_Yours, Daichi'_

 

The second time he reads it, he tries his best not to wet the paper with his tears. He doesn't feel betrayed, he feels left behind. He doesn't blame Daichi, he understands his reasons, yet the first emotion he goes through is anger. He's angry at Daichi for making the decision for him, for not asking him, for leaving him with letter that makes him love the man more. He screams and cries, but it doesn't bring Daichi closer.

 

The next stage is desperation. He desperately collects everything that reminds him of Daichi. He watches his favourite TV shows and wears only clothes that Daichi complimented. He walks around his house every day, hoping he will see the light inside his living room, but it's never there. He checks his mailbox, but it's fuller every day.

 

The last stage is simply missing him. He misses his scent, his smile and stupid jokes. He misses the innocent touches. He misses even things that he didn't like, he misses everything.

 

Even when his shoulders are lightened of Daichi's burden, his heart becomes heavier with the sorrow of his loss. Daichi isn't dead, but his phone is, and the letter doesn't tell him anything new. Reading it becomes a ritual as days turn into weeks and weeks turn in almost two months. He's memorized every word by the first real autumn day.

 

As he goes back from work, he takes the longer route around Daichi's house. It's a new habit of his. He doesn't care if it's a bad one or not, he just goes with it. However, he doesn't expect much anymore. His eyes scan the building sloppily, barely paying any attention.

 

He stops few metres after he passes the building, turning back and looking closely. One light is on unusual place. He sprints back, using a spare key Daichi told him about to get inside the house and runs up the stairs, taking it by two.

 

He bangs on the door loudly, out of breath. When the door opens, he only sighs with disappointment.

 

"Kuroo .."

"I am happy to see you too," the man grimaces.

"I'm sorry, I just .."

"I know. Come in."

 

With slumped shoulders, he walks inside the apartment. "What are you doing here ?"

"I come to take care of the plants."

"Why don't you take the mail as well then ?" Suga asks.

 

The black-haired man's eye widen and he slaps his own forehead. "THAT IS THE THING I KEPT FORGETTING !"

 

Suga chuckles and looks around.

 

"Do you miss him ?" Kuroo asks, walking towards the living room.

"Yeah," Suga admits as he follows him.

"That's good," Kuroo grins, "That means you still care about him."

"How is that good ?"

 

The other man scowls at him before his face softens. "It's good to know that someone really loves him."

 

Suga feels his cheeks warm up. "I don't."

"Oh please, you do. And true love never fades away."

"These aren't your words, are they ?"

"You see right through me, don't you  ?" Kuroo laughs, "No, they're Kenma's."

"Whose ?"

"Kenma is my friend. And a writer," the man grins proudly.

 

Suga waits till Kuroo wets all the plants and takes the mail before they leave the apartment in darkness.

"You know what, let's go out. I'll call Bokuto."

 

Suga sighs but agrees, he has nothing better to do on a Friday night after all. They meet up with Bokuto outside a strange looking club, however Suga decides not to comment its appearance because the two seem to be over the heels in love with the place.

 

Once they finally get inside, the weird feeling Suga has from the place gets even worse when all people around are men.

 

"Did you actually take me to-"

"YEAH !" Bokuto calls happily, "It's awesome, right ?!"

"Right," Suga says dryly.

 

Just as he's about to beg them not to leave him alone in a gay bar, they both disappear from his side. He grumpily makes his way to the bar and takes a seat next to an odd looking man, hoping he will be save here.

 

His wishes aren't heard. The man turns to him, with a smirk on his face, and says: "Hey there handsome. You know they call me snake because I get into your pants before you say snake ?"

 

This is literally the worst pick up line he's ever heard, Suga thinks, but doesn't comment it, for two reasons. First, neither Bokuto nor Kuroo are somewhere near and second, the guy has a really dangerous glare in his eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn Daichi, back at it again with fucking things up. (Sadly, this was planned from the beginning)
> 
> I feel like Daichi would be better at writing his feelings than telling them. Also, I believe that every letter should be a bit poetic, no matter who writes it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Right, what I really wanted to talk about. This fic is slowly coming to its end, which means the series should be finished soon as well, and my heart can't bare that. So i decided to add another fic after this one is done, I have a basic plot already, but I'm torn between Iwaoi and Asanoya. I love both of them, however I feel like there's a lack of Asanoya fics. Which is also the problem causing me hesitate. Do people not like this ship or ?
> 
> The thing is, once I start something and don't get feedback, I get dis-motivated quickly and never finish. So yeah, would anyone actually read Asanoya ?


	13. Not his type

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga's eyes search around to club to find at least one of his friends, but he doesn't succeed. Two fingers grab his chin and twitch his face to look at the man beside him. Suga flinches at the touch, but puts on a polite smile.
> 
> "Let's go dance, yeah ?" the man asks and doesn't wait for a reply, dragging Suga behind him to the dance floor.

Suga finds himself trapped with no chance of escape. He replies to the creepy man as politely and nicely as he can, hoping their little chat will stay only a chat. His friends remain nowhere to be seen, which scares Suga.

 

His hopes sink down as the man gets closer to him with every word, the glint in his eyes still too dangerous for Suga's liking. It's not that he's not attractive; he is, but definitely not Suga's type. The man sends him unsafe kind of vibe.

 

Suga's eyes search around to club to find at least one of his friends, but he doesn't succeed. Two fingers grab his chin and twitch his face to look at the man beside him. Suga flinches at the touch, but puts on a polite smile.

 

"Let's go dance, yeah ?" the man asks and doesn't wait for a reply, dragging Suga behind him to the dance floor.

 

Suga prays someone saves him, anyone, and his wish finally comes true.

 

"I'm sorry, I believe I should be the one taking my boyfriend to dance," a familiar voice says from behind him, loudly enough for the stranger to hear him over the music.

 

The stranger loosens his grip on Suga's arm and hisses, actually hisses (the snake reference now makes even more sense), but lets him go. Once he disappears in the crowd, Suga turns around to face Bokuto.

“Thank you,” he sighs, “But why the hell did you two leave me ?!”

“I’m sorry, Kuroo dragged me away and I thought you followed us.”

“Well I did not. Where is he ?”

 

 

The rest of the night goes surprisingly well, even though Suga has to take the two drunk jerks to his place to look after them. The two sing the Titanic theme song at least six times during one hour before they finally pass out from the exhaustion and alcohol. The reason for their love for this song stays unknown to Suga, however he's pretty he doesn't even want to know.

 

Few groans fill the otherwise quiet flat the following morning while Suga makes coffee for everyone. The two will need it to handle their hangover, Suga will need it to handle them.

 

"Good morning for you too," he smirks at them as they stumble into the kitchen.

 

Bokuto mutters something and Kuroo doesn't even bother to reply, simply grabbing one cup of the coffee and downing it.

 

"Just don't go all Daichi like at us," Bokuto scowls and sits down as well, “We learn from our mistakes.”

"DAICHI !" Kuroo suddenly shouts, almost choking on his drink while Bokuto hiss at him, "Daichi is coming back today !"

 

Suga chews on his bottom lips. "Is he ?"

"Yes ! We're supposed to pick him up at the train station this evening."

"He hasn't told me," Suga mumbles, looking at his feet.

"Yeah, he said he wasn't sure if you wanted to speak to him. But you do, so come with us."

 

With a sigh leaving his lips, he nods and lets the topic die out.

 

-

 

His mind shifts towards the man now and then the whole day. It's a terrifying discovery when he realises that he barely remembers the colour of his eyes or hair, his lips or his skin. The memories of him are already almost outdated and blurry. That's why he pushes his fear of the upcoming reunion away and welcomes the excitement.

 

He can't hide it during the journey, his hands can't stay still and his feet keep on tapping. He doesn't care if Bokuto and Kuroo tease him, because they both are genuinely excited as well. He doesn't try to hide the fact he's happy he will get to see him again.

 

As they wait, his eyes run all over the station, searching for the brown hair and broad shoulders. He can't wait.

 

"Daichi !" Bokuto yells happily as the man appears in front of him and basically jumps on him. Kuroo follows, making their embrace into a group hug.

 

Suga doesn't join them; he only watches them, too dazed to actually do anything other than that. Once the man finally spots him, he stops laughing and moves away from the two.

 

"You came ?"

"Yeah. Welcome back," Suga smiles slightly.

 

His smile grows wider as Daichi pulls him into his arms, ignoring the whistles coming from behind them. Suga has a pretty good idea who's the author of them, but he lets it go, clinging to Daichi. He still smells the same and his arms are still strong around Suga's body. His embrace is still warm and safe, just like two months ago. Nothing really has changed.

 

"I have so much to tell you," Daichi whispers, the words meant only for Suga's ears, which makes him blush a little.

"I can't wait to hear it all," he replies as he buries his face into his chest.

 

Their hug lasts longer than the group one, maybe a bit too long, because soon Bokuto starts whining with Kuroo supporting him.

 

Suga slips out of his grip unwillingly, turning back to the two men who smirk at him. Daichi faces them again as well, wrapping an arm around Suga's shoulders. "So, what did I miss ?"

 

"Bokuto's crush is even worse now, but he's talked to the guy last week."

"Really ?" he asks as they walk outside.

"His name is Akaashi."

"He is great," Bokuto claims.

 

Suga doesn't listen to his rambling about the black-haired beauty, he's already heard it all anyway. He leans closer to the man beside him, hoping he won't notice it. He does, but he only holds him tighter to his side as he listens to Bokuto. Suga doesn't try to hide the fact he's happy to see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah, this is cheesy, isn't it ? I rewrote this entire chapter just to make the story longer and not have things happening too quickly (also, this is fic is my best one so I don't want to fuck it up nor end it)
> 
> Anyway, I managed to write the first chapter of the Asanoya fic, which you can find here:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6528343/chapters/14935402
> 
> It's a bit short, but I honestly didn't know what else to fit in there, so yeah :D Tell me what you think of it so far and of course, opinions on Daichi's comeback are always welcomed


	14. Hold your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My brother was always a bit different than what my parents expected him to be," Daichi starts, voice low, "But he was an amazing person. He was the type who helped old people across the street and carried their grocery bags, even if it meant being late."
> 
> Suga nods, keeping his eyes on the man beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're confused, Daichi's telling his back story to Suga  
> (I just couldn't get the start right so I skipped it lol, I'm such professional)

"My brother was always a bit different than what my parents expected him to be," Daichi starts, voice low, "But he was an amazing person. He was the type who helped old people across the street and carried their grocery bags, even if it meant being late."

 

Suga nods, keeping his eyes on the man beside him.

 

"To me, he was perfect, you know. My parents used him as an example for me. _Look how your brother does this, why don't you do it like him ?_ Stuff like that. I was young, so I didn't pay much attention to how it must have been heavy for his shoulders. I can't imagine being in his spot. I'm a terrible role model, after all," he chuckles dryly.

 

"Yet, I've never heard him complaining. He had always tried to do his best at everything so I wouldn't be disappointed in him. He .. He had big dreams, he wanted to become a famous writer. He wanted to build his own house, somewhere in the middle of nature so it would be surrounded by trees. He was .. The most ambitious person I've ever known."

 

Daichi sniffs, shutting his eyes. Few tears slip past his closed eyelids, gliding down his cheeks. Suga watches him with a frown on his face, no sure if he wants him to continue. Daichi does anyway.

 

"I've never noticed any of it, you know ? I never noticed his smile was a little too wide to be real, I never noticed he always tensed up when someone walked into his room. I just never fucking noticed what I should have. I should have known that he stayed up way too late and he wasn't stressed out because he got worse mark than usual."

 

He takes a deep breath, wiping his eyes harshly.

 

"One day, he came home later than he was supposed to. He got into a fight with our parents, it was all so stupid, and it was only thirty minutes. They were mad at him because apparently a good role model doesn't do that. And then he broke.

 

I've never seen him shout so loudly and desperately, even our parents were shocked. He shouted at them that it had never been his wish to be born as a first son, he had never wanted to be someone's role model, he had never even wanted to be born. He cried so hard, he told them he only wanted to be himself and not who they wanted him to be. He only wanted to go his own way, make his own path. Yet, our parents were beyond pissed by his words. They .. They said that he was ungrateful and disrespectful towards them. They went about all these shits how they gave him home and fed him and more.

 

And that's how he came out. He told them that he only felt home in arms of his boyfriend."

 

"Your brother was gay ?" Suga asks quietly.

 

Daichi nods, turning to look at him. "Yeah. And apparently, he was a great boyfriend. Loving and caring," he smiles slightly.

 

"What about your parents ?"

 

"They didn't take it well. Actually, they hated it. They didn't kick him out, they still loved him, but they just hated the idea of him being gay so much. They denied it, trying to make him do the same thing. But he didn't. He fought them every single time they offended him or his boyfriend.

 

All the fighting and hate from them caused him to get worse and worse and in the end, he didn't make it to the college. He was heart-broken, but they only said it was his own fault.

 

He was twenty. He .. He was twenty when he did it."

 

The man groans, more tears falling from his eyes. Suga's heart aches at the sight. He is still confused, _confused_ _why_ Daichi took him to the small grave in the middle of night after their friends have left home. He doesn't understand why he's telling him this heartbreaking story under a starry sky. He just sits in silence and waits for whatever is coming next.

 

"He didn't leave a letter. I only found a torn paper from one of his manuscript on my bed. It was from his favourite one, he wrote it when he first got together with his boyfriend. He never let me read it and I've never found the rest of it. But I remember every word of it."

 

"What did it say ?"

 

"The death surrounds us. It's with us from the day we were born and it waits for us our whole life. Sometimes, it barely touches us, when it takes people around us, just so we know it's always there with us. It's neither cruel, neither merciful.

 

It seems like it's unfair. We say that some people deserve its kiss and some people deserve to never meet it. But the death does not think of people as bad or as good. It thinks of us just as mortal beings. We were born to die."

 

"I think .. He had never blamed our parents, or me, or anyone."

 

 

Suga nods, lying down and looking up at the dark clouds starting to cover the stars. Daichi lies beside him, his hand barely touching Suga's as he slowly calms down. Not a word is spoken for what seems like eternity before Daichi turns his head to gaze at Suga.

 

"Are you wondering what this is all about ?"

"Yes, kind of."

"I still want to be like him. I want to be a good boyfriend and support people around me. I don't want to deny myself, I want to fight for what I love, just like him."

"What are you saying, Daichi ?"

 

"I'm sorry for the mess I've brought you into. I'm sorry for using you while lying both to myself and to you. I should have realised that sooner. I just.."

"Yes ?" Suga looks at him, maybe a bit too hopeful.

 

 

"I just really want to hold your hand without having to undress you first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah, sorry for not updating yesterday, I had to study for tomorrow's exam
> 
> Hey hey, remember how Daichi managed to save Suga from jumping down the bridge ? Well, he wasn't always able to save someone .. (I cried ok)  
> I based his brother's feelings on my own, I have 3 younger sisters and I am forced to be a role model for them, so writing this was easy
> 
> >I managed to write the first chapter of the Asanoya fic, which you can find here:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6528343/chapters/14935402


	15. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm proud of you," Suga whispers, "It must have been hard for you to tell me all of this. He would be proud of you as well, I'm sure."

Suga feels his ears becoming warmer than before, avoiding Daichi's gaze as his hand travel through the grass to find Daichi's beside him. He watches the clouds above them as their fingers sneak between each other. The night is still young and the wind still warm enough.

 

"I'm proud of you," Suga whispers, "It must have been hard for you to tell me all of this. He would be proud of you as well, I'm sure."

 

Daichi doesn't reply, but he doesn't have to. Suga knows he needed to hear exactly this. He needed to get it out of him, tell the story that was holding him back for so long. Suga knows he needed to come clean, stop hiding in the shadow of his brother.

 

He wonders if Daichi's brother would be glad he's Daichi' role model even after his death. Something tells him that he would, he would tell Daichi he's proud and that he loves him. He wonders if Daichi is aware of this simple fact.

 

The man squeezes his hand, letting out a soft sob, "I still miss him on nights like this. He loved autumn nights."

 

"You know, I think he's watching you from somewhere above and watches the same stars as we do."

Daichi chuckles, "This sounds like something he would write. He was a romantic."

"You aren't much like him in this aspect then."

"I am romantic."

"You're not," Suga laughs.

"I am."

"You're not."

 

Daichi kisses the back of his hand and stays quiet, watching the sky clean up again.

 

"I want to find his boyfriend."

 

Suga only nods. Their fingers stay intertwined for the rest of the night.

 

 

 

Secretly holding hands becomes their thing. Their fingers find their way to interlock under the table during their nights out with Kuroo and Bokuto. Kuroo notices it once, but apart of dirty looks, he doesn't do or say anything.

 

Daichi's pinkie hooks with Suga's in the darkness when they have a sleepover with movie marathons with their friends. Suga tries to focus on the TV, but his mind always slips towards the small touch in the end.

 

Suga's hand glides on the bed sheets until his palm isn't against Daichi's whenever one of them stays over at the other's place. They never do anything else beside this, they always just secretly hold hands.

 

 

 

"So, are you two dating or what ?"

Suga blushes as Kuroo approaches him one day out of blue. "No, we're not."

 

The man frowns, "Not back to the fuck buddies thing, I hope ?"

"No."

 

Kuroo sighs. "Kids these days."

"You're the one to say that."

 

-

 

 

"I think I've found him."

 

Suga looks up from his book, facing Daichi. "Really ?"

"Yeah. It took lot of asking around and phone calls and stuff, but I think it's him. I even got an address to house of his parents, so even if he moved out, we could track him down."

"Isn't this technically stalking ?"

 

The man rolls his eyes, throwing a pillow at Suga's direction, but misses terribly. Suga laughs at that.

 

"I want to meet him."

He nods. "Want to go check it out now ?"

"Yes."

 

 

 

-

 

A middle aged woman opens the door with a polite smile on her slightly wrinkled face. "Yes ? Can I help you ?"

"Erm, good afternoon. I believe we're looking for your son," Daichi says, handing her the many different papers he's managed to collect, "He was friends with my brother."

 

The woman flips through the papers before looking up at them, "And his name would be ?"

"Sawamura Kazuo."

 

Her face turns into a twisted emotion, something between sadness and pity. "My son dated your brother. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you. Could you please tell me where I can find him ? I would like to speak to him, if it's possible."

 

The woman nods and tells him an address.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

They stand in front of a old looking door, Daichi squeezing Suga's hand before he knocks. They hear steps closer and closer before the door opens and their jaws fall down.

 

"Kenma ?"

"The guy who gave me a coin ?"

 

The smaller male looks at them both confused. "I remember _you_ ," he points at Suga, "But who are _you_ ?"

"I'm Daichi.. Kuroo's friend."

"Oh. Really ?"

"Yes."

 

They all stand in awkward silence, Kenma's eyes moving between Suga and Daichi as he tries to figure out what they want from him.

 

" _So .._ "

"I'm looking for someone named Kozume who dated a guy named Kazuo."

 

The blond man scowls, looking up at Daichi. "That's me. How do you know him ?"

 

" _YOU_ ?! YOU DATED MY OLDER BROTHER ?!" Daichi yells before he turns it down a bit, whining, "You are _three years younger than him_ , _oh my god_. Was he a pervert ?"

 

"It was a completely innocent relationship _, if that's what's worrying you_ ," Kenma frowns.

 

"Oh my," Suga mumbles and sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot of time skipping in this .. Idk  
> I got this idea in bus today :D


	16. A past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Not all relationships are only about sex," the small man snaps, his eyes narrowing at the duo in front of him, "Have you come to tell me to deny him, as well ? If that's the case, I refuse."  
> Daichi's shock turns into confusion. "No, no."
> 
> Kenma's gaze stays hard and unpleasant. "Then what do you want from me ?"

"It was a completely innocent relationship, _if that's what's worrying you_ ," Kenma frowns.

 

"Oh my," Suga mumbles and sighs.

 

He turns to the still shocked Daichi, patting his shoulder. He relaxes a bit under the touch. "But then-"

 

"Not all relationships are only about sex," the small man snaps, his eyes narrowing at the duo in front of him, "Have you come to tell me to deny him, as well ? If that's the case, I refuse."

 

Daichi's shock turns into confusion. "No, _no_."

 

Kenma's gaze stays hard and unpleasant. "Then what do you want from me ?"

 

"Just talk."

"About him ?"

"Yes."

"I refuse that as well. Have a good day."

 

Before either of them has any time to react, the door is shut right before them.

 

"That's just rude!" Daichi groans.

"Well, imagine being in his spot. What would you do if someone you don't know came to your place and wanted to talk about your dead lover ?"

 

The other man frowns, his forehead wrinkling. "I don't want to even think about that."

" _Right_ ," Suga mumbles.

 

The door opens again and Kenma peeks out. "Fine, I like the coin guy. Come in."

 

Daichi and Suga look at each other before they obey, walking inside the apartment.

 

"I'm sorry for being rude. Please, take a seat," he nods towards a small room on the end of the hall.

 

They head towards it while Kenma walks to another room. Suga sits down on an old looking sofa while Daichi nervously passes around.

 

 

Suga reaches out and grabs his hand, pulling it to his lips and placing a small kiss on it. "Keep calm."

 

The man looks at him and gives him a gentle smile. A cough distracts them as Kenma walks in the room with a thick book. It looks much bigger than it really is in his tiny hands.

 

He takes a seat across Suga, holding the book on his lap. "What do you want to know ?"

 

Suga notices the way his fingers are caressing the cover of the book, trembling the slightest. He pulls Daichi to sit beside him, shooting him an encouraging look. The man nods, looking at Kenma. "So you two dated ?

 

"Yes."

"For how long ?"

 

The blond man avoids their gazes, his eyes on his hands. "Almost a year."

 

Daichi nods again, rubbing his palms against his knees. "How did you meet ?"

 

Kenma tenses up the tiniest bit, his thin fingers gripping the book resting on his thighs. "When I was 16. It was in a writing club, outside school. We were paired up for one exercise."

 

"And after that, you started dating ?"

"This feels almost like a police questioning, don't you think ?!"

 

Daichi sighs, his head falling down. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I just want to know more about him and you."

 

"To be honest, I would rather have nothing to do with your family."

"I understand that."

"No, you don't understand !" the man snaps, staring at Daichi, "Your whole family brought him to it! Your family started the nightmare in his head, your family created the monsters following him. You don't understand."

"I assure you that I-"

 

Anger fills the chocolate eyes staring at them.

 

"No! He didn't die in your arms! You didn't hold him while there was nothing else you could do!"

 

Both Daichi and Suga freeze. Suga desperately wants to do something, say something, but he feels helpless. All he can think about is the memory of Daichi crying in front of his door, sobbing while he thought Suga took his life.

 

He can't imagine what Daichi would be like if he actually did. He can't imagine how he felt back then. And he can't even imagine how Daichi felt after his brother died. He can't even imagine Kenma, the small man in front of him, holding a lifeless body of his lover while still being just a teenager.

 

It pains him just to hear Kenma say it. And he knows he has no idea how much it hurt Kenma himself.

 

“He was with you ?”

“And I couldn’t do _anything_ ,” the man says, tears falling down his cheeks.

 

 

-

 

 

"He was waiting for me to finish school so we could run away from the country and get married."

 

"He wanted to get married ?" Daichi raises eyebrows.

Kenma nods, a small smile tugging at his lips. "During a spring. Under a cherry blossom. Cheesy, isn't it ?"

 

Daichi chuckles, "It is. But you agreed."

"I did."

 

They talk for almost whole afternoon, bringing out memories of the beloved brother and boyfriend. Suga mainly listens to them in silence. He finds it nice that Kenma can talk like that once he's calmed down and listened to Daichi. He's not sure if he would capable of it.

 

When they're ready to leave, he tells Daichi to go ahead and turns to the blond man. "I'm sorry, but does Kuroo know about this ?"

 

The man sighs and shakes head. "I don't want him to. Kuroo is .. Precious to me. I don't want to put a burden of my past on him. Because, it's a past."

 

Suga nods, "So you moved on."

"Not entirely. I believe that part of me will love Kazuo. He was my first love, after all," he shrugs, "But I don't think there's something wrong with that. However, once I fall for someone again, I'm not sure if it will easy for me to just go for it."

 

"If it's the right person, it might not be easy, but worth it. It was nice to meet you," Suga smiles before running after Daichi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kenma protects Kazuo till the end and I cry a lot lately (don't ask me how he died)  
> If something feels weird, tell me, because I'm just so tired that I could have fucked up really badly writing this
> 
> >Check out the Asanoya fic here:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6528343/chapters/14935402
> 
> I finally wrote second chapter


	17. Wrapped and tied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're late," he says, getting up from the bench he's been sitting on for the last twenty minutes. He fixes his tie, loosening it a tiny bit, as he faces Daichi.
> 
> "I had some troubles," the man smiles sheepishly, digging his toe in the ground. Suga debates if he should lecture him not to do that with such fancy shoes, but decides against it.
> 
> "Really ?" Suga takes a closer look at him, biting his lip to maintain a smirk tugging his lips. "Let me guess. You don't know how to tie a tie."

Suga looks up as someone taps his shoulder.

 

"You're late," he says, getting up from the bench he's been sitting on for the last twenty minutes. He fixes his tie, loosening it a tiny bit, as he faces Daichi.

 

"I had some troubles," the man smiles sheepishly, digging his toe in the ground. Suga debates if he should lecture him not to do that with such fancy shoes, but decides against it.

 

"Really ?" Suga takes a closer look at him, biting his lip to maintain a smirk tugging his lips. "Let me guess. You don't know how to tie a tie."

 

Daichi sighs, his shoulders slumping down. "I don't."

 

Suga laughs, stepping closer to him and unties the messy something around his neck. _"I see."_

 

"If you laugh at me, I will leave."

"You can't leave, it's a wedding!"

"You make it sound like it's our wedding."

 

Suga looks away as he blushes, focusing on his fingers tying Daichi's tie. Once he's done, he slaps hi shoulder. "Much better. Why did I even ask you to come ?"

 

"Because your mom likes me."

"True. Come on, I don't want her to start thinking weird things."

"What _things_ ?" Daichi smirks at him, clearly enjoying teasing him.

"What's up with you today, _oh my._ I will lock you somewhere."

"And then what ?"

 

He earns another slap, stronger this time. "I think you're not fully aware of your strength," he mumbles as he follows Suga.

 

 

He only stops his jokes once the ceremony starts. It's beautiful. Suga's mom looks beautiful, happy to stand next to her soon to be husband. The man looks happy as well. Everyone looks happy.

 

Daichi sits by his side, eyes glues to the scene in front of him. Suga, on the other hand, can't tear his eyes from him. He can't help but watch the smile playing on his lips, the way his pinkie strokes Suga's hand the whole time.

 

It feels right. It feels like it's meant to be, Daichi and him. It feels like it couldn't be anyone else next to him. And yet, something is off. Suga just can't figure out what it is.

 

After he congratulates the newlyweds and assures his aunt that living on his own is going just fine, he escapes the fuss that weddings are. He's sure his mother won't mind if he sneaks away just for while, just a while to calm his thoughts.

 

Ever since last week's meeting with Kenma, he just can't let it go. Can people really love someone forever ? If part of you loves someone forever, how can you fall in love again ? All these questions, but Suga had no answers.

 

 

"I knew you would be here."

 

Suga turns to face Daichi in all his beauty. He looks breathtaking under the rays during a sunset.

 

"What's wrong ? Is someone looking for me ?"

 

"Yeah, I am," he says and takes a seat beside Suga. "What's going on ? Are you too moved ?" His tone is joking, but once he tilts to look at Suga's face, it changes. "What's going on ?"

 

"I'm just thinking."

Daichi frowns. "You sure do that a lot this week. Something particular ?"

"Kenma and your brother."

"Yes ? What about them ?"

"I just ..It sickens my stomach that I almost put you through the same thing."

" _What_ ?"

 

He takes a deep breath, staring at his own feet. "Kenma's lover took his own life. And.. You thought that I did the same. I mean, sure, you don't have the same feelings as Kenma did, but.."

 

"Suga."

 

"I'm sorry, I'm rambling again," he sighs.

"You're not. I understand what you're trying to say. But it's not your fault. It's my own."

 

He stays quiet, leaning his shoulder against Daichi's.

 

"It was nice, wasn't it ?" Daichi asks after a while.

"It was. Too bad I can't have the same."

"Have the same ?"

"The wedding. It's illegal for me, _you know."_

"Now and here. But maybe later and somewhere else."

 

Suga chuckles, shaking head. "And where do I get a fiance?"

"Excuse me. Right here."

"Jokes aside, Daichi."

 

The man frowns and gets up, standing in front of Suga.

 

"I'm serious. If you ever marry someone, it will be me. I promise you that. In fact, will you marry me ?"

" _Daichi, I told you-_ " Suga sighs, but is cut off by a finger on his lips.

 

"Will you marry me ? Sometime, somewhere ?"

 

Suga stares at him. He seems completely serious, not a hint of joking around in his voice or on his face. " _Are you really ?"_ Suga whispers, not sure if he's not dreaming.

 

Daichi nods and moves his finger away, getting on one knee in front of Suga's legs on the ground. "Will you ?"

 

All Suga can do for some seconds is just breathing. But he recovers quickly when he sees Daichi kneeling before him, vulnerable and honest. He leans down to him, kissing him instead of clear reply. Daichi doesn't complain, moving his lips against Suga's. He pulls away once he realises that someone could spot them. Not that he actually cares.

 

"Where's my ring ?" he asks, a cheeky grin on his face as Daichi groans in fake annoyance.

 

He tugs on the grass, finding a blade long enough and wraps it around Suga's finger, tying a messy knot.

 

"You really suck at tying," Suga laughs, but jerks his hand away when Daichi goes to redo it. Like _hell_ he would give up on his engagement ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, remember that fluff tag on this ? It's there for a reason (finally)!  
> If you're worried about a love declaration, don't be, there will probably be a clearer one, where Daichi isn't like five years old and asks someone to marry him out of blue (Suga loves him anyway)
> 
> >Check out the Asanoya fic here:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6528343/chapters/14935402


	18. Start again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The air hitting his cheeks is harsh; however the river under the bridge flows calmly. The city is asleep, the water is the only thing filling up the silence of the streets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're confused, I'm skipping some time

The air hitting his cheeks is harsh; however the river under the bridge flows calmly. The city is asleep, the water is the only thing filling up the silence of the streets.

 

Suga has always thought that love was supposed to be like that - slow and calm. He's always been told to go slow, to take baby steps, not to rush, not to hurry. And he's always listened to the advice, because he couldn't imagine love being anything else.

 

But just recently, he's discovered that love could be rushed and choppy like a sea during a storm. And it wasn't exactly wrong to say that a storm swept through his life. This storm took and gave, ruined and fixed. It pushed away his old worries and concerns, gifting him something precious to treasure instead. It ripped his old expectations and assumptions in half, and put the pieces of his life together just enough to call himself fixed.

 

The storm came with a lightning and thunder, Even if he was scared, he couldn't force himself to run away and hide, he just let himself be pulled in, because it was a beautiful in its own way. Even after all this time, it is still terrifying, however he isn't scared. No, he is worried, worried that the storm will end before he's ready for it. The problem is, he would never be ready.

 

He will never be ready to say farewell.

 

He watches the river flow, it's kind of nostalgic. He came here after his first heartbreak because of a break up, he came here after his beloved guinea-pig died, he came here after his best friend moved to other city. He came here to end his life and instead found a reason to want to live forever.

 

The reason, the storm - they both have the same name, the one that's tattooed on Suga's heart for eternity.

 

He turns around and takes a closer look on his saviour under the streetlamp. Daichi smiles at Suga, the usual kind smile. A barely noticeable dimple appears on his left cheek, however Suga wouldn't miss it even in complete darkness.

 

Suga tries to remember why he ever wanted to jump, but in that exact moment, he's under the spell of the man beside him, and no specific reason comes to his mind. Everything suddenly seems irrelevant under his soft gaze. In that exact moment, he knows it's just like before, just like an exactly year ago. It's a parallel.

 

And yet something is different when Daichi kneels on the cold ground, pushing his bag off his shoulder in the process. He takes a small box of his pocket, holding it if front of Suga as his fingers opens it to reveal a single silver ring.

 

Suga laughs as he reaches out, letting the ring to be slipped on his hand by Daichi.

 

"After all this time ?" he asks.

 

The man before him nods, grinning up at him as he places a kiss on his fingers. "I figured it would be appropriate to propose properly before we leave."

"How cheesy can you be ?"

"Shut up, you love me."

 

Suga smiles, the words warming his heart and cheeks. "I do."

 

Daichi clears his throat, looking away from Suga as his own cheeks go pink. "That reminds me .. "

"If it's a love declaration, I'm changing my mind."

The man laughs and gets up, shaking head. "You wish. I have a place where I want to go before we leave."

 

Suga nods, not needing to ask any further. He picks up his bag and waits for Daichi to do the same before they make their way to the graveyard, hand in hand. Much to their surprise, they find there a short blond man sitting on the ground with a book on his lap, whispering words that stay unheard by them. When he notices the two of them, he stands up and reaches out towards Daichi, passing him the book.

 

"I think it's time I let go," he says, smiling through his tears.

 

Daichi accepts the gift wordlessly, gazing at the grave. The three of them stay like this for God knows how long, before Daichi finally breaks the silence.

 

"He really loved you."

"And I loved him," Kenma replied and wipes his eyes, leaving the pair behind.

 

 

-

 

Daichi reads the most of their time on the train while Suga enjoys few hours of a sleep. Once he's awake, the book lies on the seat beside Daichi.

 

"So ?"

"I will publish it."

 

Suga nods and rubs his still sleepy eyes, gazing out of the window on the unknown landscape. His hand finds Daichi's, stroking it gently.

 

"Are we near ?"

"Yeah. Just an hour and we can start again."

 

Suga smiles and leans to him, pressing his lips against Daichi's, a single thought on his mind - _he wants to live forever with the man beside him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah, since when I write such cheesy things ?? Daichi proposing again ?? Kenma deciding to move on ??  
> But we got from Suga wanting to die to Suga wanting to live forever and that's probably my favourite thing about this fic. I can't believe it's over tbh, I really grew attached to it.. If you haven't noticed yet, I love ending my works using sentences I started with and basically just parallels ..
> 
> But yeah, what did you think of this ending ? Should it have ended differently or this way ? (If you're curious, they're moving to live close to Noya)

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't already, check out the other fics in this series too and thanks for all the feedback on this, it always make my day !

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Tobio is saved by two cats, and a crow of sunshine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550931) by [CheetahLeopard2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheetahLeopard2/pseuds/CheetahLeopard2)




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